The Tragedy

I am typically lighthearted when I write, and can usually find humor in even the worst situations.  My glass is always half full, and I can get through most anything with a positive outlook.  This is not one of those times.

A tragedy of nearly disastrous proportions hit our family a few weeks ago.  I have had an extremely difficult time gathering myself together and continuing on about my life since this happened, and I am struggling mightily.  I am all right sometimes, but suddenly the memory of what happened will sneak up on me and crash into my head.  I will crumble.  I will cry for hours.  I will be for all intents and purposes a complete mess until I can tape my pieces back together again.  Nighttime rolls around, and then I'm up all night, and if I do sleep, I am wracked with nightmares.  I cry for hours.  And do you know why?

It was my fault.  It was awful, it was bad.  It was HORRIFYING.  And it was MY FAULT.  I made a mistake, it was an absolute accident.  And in one quick minute, my life came crashing down around me.  It is a mistake that will never leave my mind.  I will never heal, and I will never forget it.  I will also never forgive myself.  

Thankfully, no one was injured.  No one was hurt.  No one died.  Thank GOD.  On the outside, our beautiful family looks the same.  But me, I am a sad and scarred mess.  

And let me be very clear about something.  The only reason things turned out the way that they did was because God was THERE.  I felt him.  I felt him all around me.  He ushered a sense of peace and love over my entire body that let me know that HE was the reason that things ended up the way that they did, and the tragic outcome that was surely going to happen didn't happen.  HE did it, he saved my family.  And I also felt my Mother.  I have struggled mightily with my feelings of animosity towards her.  But that is gone, because she was there and the love I felt from her was strong.  She and God kept my family together when I nearly destroyed it.  The warmth that washed over me was intense.  Somehow, in the fog and minutes that followed the tragedy, the pain that engulfed me was washed over with this feeling of love.  I knew, immediately, that God saved my family.  And I will be eternally grateful for his mercy.  And his grace.  And his unconditional love.  He clearly loves me.  He clearly has other plans for me, that don't include the tragedy that was sure to follow the horrible mistake that I made, and the pain that nearly engulfed my entire family because of it.  All because of me, and a terrible, unintentional and accidental mistake.

Have you ever thought that you were a good parent?  And that only bad parents make stupid mistakes or accidentally do something wrong?  Have you ever thought

"THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME…"

  I'm here to tell you that NO PARENT is immune to making a mistake.  Accidents really do happen.

I made a mistake.  An unintentional mistake.  A huge one.  It was an accident.  And it nearly cost me everything.  

I immediately called my husband, hysterical.  I told him what I had accidentally done.  I couldn't believe that had happened to me.  I couldn't believe I had done something like that.  He cried with me.  But most importantly, he loved me.  When he could have done so many other things, HE LOVED ME.  He had a warning that morning that something was wrong.  He KNEW something was amiss, but he didn't know what.  But he also felt the warmth.  He felt the warmth before I even called him.  He knew God saved our family, and he knew that he was just supposed to love me.  And since then, he has done just that.  He has taped me back together several times.  He has rocked me to sleep, holding me while I have cried more tears than I knew I even had.  He has prayed with me.  He has given me a blessing.  He has been the glue to our family during a time where I can't be.  

  I have learned a true lesson in compassion.  I look at people in a completely different way.  I will not judge another soul, ever again.  I don't know what path they have walked, I don't know what they are facing, or what they have faced.  And I am certainly not the judge of anyone.  The guilt that I will carry for the rest of my life is nothing compared to what could have happened.  I'm grateful that guilt and this profound sadness is the only cross I bear.  

I also urge you to never think you are immune to accidents.  Be vigilant, be aware of your surroundings.  Those of us who think we are immune to tragedy are really the most vulnerable.  

I still can't figure out how I can use this terrible tragedy to do something to help others.  I feel like I should use my own experience to help others, I just can't figure out how.  I will continue to pray about it, and I will continue to try and heal from this.  I will love my family unconditionally, as they have loved me.  I will thank my Heavenly Father every single day, several times a day for his mercy.  For saving my family, and for showing me his love on that horrible day that will be burned into my memory forever.