The End

My Mother lost her battle with pancreatic cancer last night, one day short of a year from her initial diagnosis.  She passed away peacefully, in hospice care.

I spent the day on Saturday struggling with my emotions over the entire situation.  It had been 14 years since I've last spoken with her or had any type of relationship with her.  But she was still my Mother, so how do you handle that?  I was very sad for my Brother because they were quite close.  I was sad for his children, who had just lost their Grandmother.  And I was sad for my Aunt, who just lost her Sister.  

But I was having a very difficult time figuring out how I was feeling.  And after talking with Joe for a bit, I realized that what I was feeling was actually relief. 

I have struggled daily with the "How do I fix this" element of our broken relationship.  "If I could just...." or "maybe if I...." and it's been a painful journey.  Over the years, my sadness turned to anger, and my anger eventually turned into something I can't even really put my finger on.  Acceptance I suppose.  But I never quit trying to fix it.  And here is where the relief snuck up on me.

I can't fix it now.  I can't do anything to make the relationship better.  She will never meet my boys, things will never be OK, our family will never be the same again.  

I will never forget the wonderful memories of my childhood, and the memories of the Mom I remember from that time.

But I will also never forget the Mother who turned her back on me for absolutely no valid reason whatsoever.   I will never forget that she abandoned a granddaughter that loved her with all her heart.   I see the scars in her now as she is older, and my heart breaks for her.  

And now I can finally, after 14 years, let it all go.

And that provides me with a sense of peace.  And a huge sense of relief.  Relief is not to be confused with happiness, or anything remotely close to it.  This feeling I have is one of closure, and the closure of this chapter of my life brings with it a feeling of tremendous relief.