Being SICK and The Big Secret

Our struggle with infertility hasn't been much of a secret to those people closest to us.  We have tried to have another child since Jackson was born, with no luck.  While I was able to conceive twice during those four years, both pregnancies ended in early miscarriages, bringing my miscarriage total to four, including one ectopic pregnancy.  

The last miscarriage was hard on both of us, because it was supposed to be the last one.  The doctor advised us that we essentially had no shot of conceiving again, let alone having a successful pregnancy.   We knew that was our last chance, and it was heartbreaking.  I had prayed about it so many times over the years and knew that we were supposed to add to our family.  Once we had the last loss, I began to wonder what the heck that still small voice was telling me.  I began to realize that maybe it wasn't going to get bigger in the traditional sense, and began to look elsewhere.  I briefly looked into adoption, and Joe and I discussed foster care at length.  As selfish as it may sound, I couldn't handle being a foster parent.  I would get way too attached to any child in my home and be heartbroken when it was time to give them back.  So after much thought and prayer, we just decided that our family was complete and that was that.  We bought the pop-up, turned our extra bedroom into a craft room, and moved on.  I also realized how OLD we are... I'm 42 and Joe will be 47 in November.  People our age really shouldn't have kids.  And we have FIVE already, so we should be thankful for what we have and move on.  And that's exactly what we did.  I stopped taking my vitamins for the first time in years, started drinking caffeine again (such a rebel), and gave up. 

Then we went to the temple to be sealed on August 11th, 2012, our wedding anniversary.  It was a beautiful day and evidently a great night too, since it turns out it was also when this little peanut was conceived.

Exactly seven days after our sealing, I woke up with a sore armpit.  Yes, that's very random unless it's always without FAIL the first pregnancy symptom you've ever had with every single pregnancy.  I paced the floor for hours before I finally called Joe.  I was ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL.  And not in the beside myself with happiness kind of way.  In the short time I talked to him on the phone, I had a straight up, full blown anxiety attack.  It was awful.  I was crushed.  Not because I was pregnant, because of course that was something we wanted so badly for the past four years, but because my last two pregnancies ended in miscarriage and after the doctor's ominous warnings the last time, I was just absolutely devastated.  The last thing I needed was to endure another loss, all because I was too lazy to get my tubes tied.  I was so angry with myself for allowing this to happen again, I think I cried for an entire week.  I mean, honestly... what were the odds?  We tried for so long and even endured fertility clinics with nothing.  So we gave up, quit trying and I was pregnant again within three months.  I ended up taking a pregnancy test that day, and of course it was positive.  A whole week before my period was late, it was already positive.  

Joe and I decided that we would wait this one out at home and just let nature take its course.  I didn't want any tests, no ultrasounds, no nothing.   I figured it would end fairly quickly and I started moping around and we just started to wait.  And then, I got incredibly SICK.  Horribly sick.  Nausea wakes me up every single morning at around 1:00AM and it doesn't subside until around 3:00PM.  I feel absolutely horrible.  Because I was so sick, Joe made me go to the doctor at the beginning of the sixth week.  An ultrasound showed a healthy looking little bean of a baby with a good heartbeat.  This was an important milestone.  I have NEVER miscarried a baby with a heartbeat.  The doctor also directed me to stay in bed or at least on the couch most of the day until the nausea subsides and I start to feel better.  Pregnancy at age 42 is NO JOKE.  I've never in my life felt so run down and awful as I do right now.

The doctor is optimistic about my chances for carrying this baby, and so far all is well.  I was nervous about going back to the doctor after his gloom and doom forecast of my fertility, but the only thing he said was "Well, you never know what's in HIS plan".  

I normally do not share this news with anyone until the 12th week, but being so sick makes it difficult to keep things secret.  AND, it's really not making me feel any better to be deceptive or have to lie to my closest friends about why I'm missing from church or why I look like the walking dead when you do see me.  And finally, I will absolutely need you if this ends badly.  I will need your support and your love, and your prayers.  

 While I don't mind sharing this with those closest to me, I don't want it to be common knowledge for obvious reasons.  Yes, I realize I just posted this on my blog for the world to see, but I only have a few followers and I don't get a lot of random traffic. 

 Please keep us in your prayers.