Adoption Day

Today was a very emotional day for our family, filled with love and happiness, and also a touch of bittersweet sadness for me.

No one ever walks down the aisle on their wedding day anticipating failure, and when you are young the blinders of love can overshadow the obvious.  It was clear from very early on that my marriage to Shandi's birth Father was a failure, and I took that very hard.  While I indeed fell out of love quite quickly, I had a more difficult time accepting failure as a wife.  I struggled for years wondering what I did wrong, blaming myself and having all the typical reactions one might have after a failed marriage.  Like most women, I had a difficult time dealing with all the emotions that come with divorce and being a single parent, and was completely unprepared when true love landed in my lap.

Joe and I knew from the very moment our eyes met that we were soul mates.  We were literally drawn to each other, and before I ever even really got to know him, I absolutely without a doubt knew that we were chosen for one another.  I also knew that there were many hurdles ahead of us because of our  cultural differences but I felt such a calmness about it that I knew it was right.  We were both leaving bad marriages and it took a year or so before we were both comfortable committing to one another, but there was never any doubt for either of us that it was just time we needed to heal our other wounds so we could devote ourselves to each other wholly and without any lingering baggage from our earlier failures.

Joe entered Shandi's life when she had just turned three, and there was an also an instant connection between them from the very beginning.   Before she even knew that he and I were dating, she would seek him out and sit next to him when we would go to friends houses or ballfields, or wherever our mutual group of friends happened to be at that particular time.  Wherever Joe was, Shandi was close by.  He took her to ball games, hockey games, and they would laugh and laugh together while sharing a bag of sunflower seeds.

Shandi has always had a very tumultuous relationship with her birth Father.  I believe with everything in my being that he always gave her as much as he was capable of giving, and that he did the best he could, but in the end it was just not enough.  There were so many years that over a month would go by without a phone call, and I would find myself lying to her, telling her that "he called after you fell asleep", or some such story to keep her from being upset and hurt.  Joe was always close by, to give her the Valentine's Day heart shaped box that she loved every year, to teach her to tie her shoes, ride a bike, and all the other stuff that Dad's do.  He always filled that void the very best that he could knowing how hurt she was about her relationship with her birth Father.  And being a divorced Dad himself, he never tried to take her birth Father's place, but was able to find his own place in her life that they were both very comfortable and happy with.

As Shandi got older, she reached an age that I couldn't force her to interact with her birth Father any longer, and she absolutely refused to have any contact with him.  This is where the "bittersweet sadness" comes in.  Although I am so thankful and blessed to witness the wonderful and loving relationship between Joe and Shandi, I am indeed sad about the relationship Shandi has with her birth Father.  I have spent years playing peacemaker, middleman, relaying messages, sending emails, text messages, and trying to get Shandi to forgive and love unconditionally.   So although the day was filled with such happiness, for me it was also a reminder of the failure of that first marriage, and the emotional  scars that it left on Shandi.  Divorce is awful for children, even under the best circumstances.  I had 1001 reasons to hate her birth Father, and to never speak to him again.  For the sake of my daughter, I endured that relationship for years to try and help the two of them find common ground.  It was never easy choking back hatred and anger, and the emotional and physical scars left by that relationship haunted me for years, and still does.  She does not know about any of those things, and I may never tell her.  I pray that time will heal her wounds and that one day she will be able to form some sort of relationship with him.

I'm not even sure how the topic of adoption came up, but it was clear that after Shandi turned 18 that she NEEDED Joe to adopt her.  She needed that family tie solidified legally, she needed the closure.  She wanted to change her name to Mack, and she wanted Joe to legally be her Father.  Joe wanted the same.  He had raised Shandi and was her Father since she was too little to crack her own sunflower seeds and he also wanted her to be a Mack.  Everyone was happy.  Grandma was happy, the boys were happy, and Joe's other children were happy.  We have been a family already for 16 years, but it was nice to have it legally cemented in a court of law.

The exchange between Joe and the Judge in the courtroom was comical.  He asked Joe, "You know this is permanent, right?  You can't come back in a year if she is in trouble and change your mind".  Laughter erupted throughout the courthouse.  After it was over, the Judge said "Congratulations, it's a girl!" and everyone laughed again.  One of the witnessed even asked him where the cigars were.  The Judge wanted a picture of us all together inside the courtroom because he said he doesn't normally get to preside over happy things, only bad things.  

It was a sweet moment watching them hug outside the courtroom, and then Joe gave her a gift.  A birthstone ring set with my birthstone on top, hers in the middle, and his on the bottom.  I've said it in previous posts, and I will say it again;  Joe is the BEST GIFT GIVER, EVER.  

After court, we went to eat lunch and I took this picture of them... it's the same one I posted on Facebook.  Joe never ever smiles in pictures intentionally (I have to sneak a picture while he's not looking if I want anything other than the straight face) so it was good to see the emotion.

I am so thankful for the wonderful man I married.  I am thankful that he was chosen to be my eternal husband and companion, and that he is selfless and has a heart of gold.  It was a beautiful day for our family, one that I will cherish forever.